A Bazillion More Ways Peeta Could Have Bit It
by Nareya
Summary: Is everyone ready for more suffering? YAY! This is a collection of ways Peeta could have died in "Catching Fire".
1. Chapter 1

Authors' Note: Hey, all! We figured that Peeta hadn't suffered enough! And you know what that means! It's time for a whole 'nother story!

Disclaimer: We do not own "The Hunger Games" in any way.

One

Katniss sat alone in the woods by her favorite deathpineapple bush. Before the Hunger Games, she had often come here to shoot people from a distance and snicker as they fell over with arrows sprouting from various parts of their bodies. But now, the deathpinapples only reminded her of the fateful ending of the Games…

"_Katniss, what are we supposed to do now? We aren't allowed to be on the same team anymore!" Peeta sobbed. "And I LOOOOOOOVE you! I can't kill you!"_

_ "Whatever, Peeta," Katniss snapped, and continued to pick at her nails with a chainsaw. "And when you're done complaining, can you go make me some lunch?"_

_ Peeta forgot about his imminent death and immediately perked up. "I'll go get some of those funny fruits I saw a deer eating earlier!" he exclaimed gleefully, and then ran off into the woods. Halfway there, he tripped over the twitching body of a foam-mouthed doe and fell flat on his face. "I'm okay!" he called back to Katniss, who looked extremely disappointed. _

_ A few minutes later, he emerged from the forest with his arms full of strangely-shaped fruit. "Here you are, Katy-poo!" he said as he handed her one. _

_Katniss glanced at it and immediately recoiled. Before she could verbalize her disgust, however, the booming voice of Claudius Templesmith filled the arena. "Stop! Stop! Don't eat that! That's a deathpineapple! It'll kill you! I saw that on the Nature Channel!"_

_Katniss and Peeta, as well as pretty much everyone else in Panem, gasped in amazement. _

_ "There's a Nature Channel?" President Snow demanded from back at The Capitol. He then scuttled into his office and was soon immersed in a program about killer platypuses. _

_ "Anyway," Claudius said, "don't do that! Just let us take you both back home! No need for you both to be obliterated!"_

As Katniss sat beneath her shrubbery, Gale plodded up to her. "Hello, cousinkins!" he said, giving her a big grin and plopping down beside her.

Katniss groaned. "I'm not your cousin, Gale!"

"What?" Gale was shocked. "But those wacky people with the cameras said that you were!"

"You AREN'T my cousin!"

Gale's eyes grew wide with horror. "But Katniss," he asked fearfully, "who am I, then?" Before she could answer, he fled from the woods, screaming at the top of his lungs: "I AM NO ONE! AHHHHHH!"

As he ran he inadvertently smashed Peeta's face to a pulp as he trampled him.

Katniss looked over, spotted the cookies he had been trying to give her, and grinned. She grabbed them all and stuffed them all into her face at once, and then headed back home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Hey, sorry this took so long… I suck… :'( But I've been reading some of your comments and they make me SO happy! :) So I wrote this as a little 'thank you for being so nice'! Think of it as a holiday present! :[)} (My fail of a Santa…)

—Jaya

Chapter 2

When Katniss walked back into town, she found two groups of people in white t-shirts glaring at each other across the square. All the t-shirts on the right side had TEAM PEETA written on them in pink. The shirts on the left said TEAM GALE in blue. The two groups were arguing and throwing rocks at each other.

"She should marry Peeta! They went through the Games together! Plus he's _sensitive_," the right group yelled.

"No! She was Gale's best friend _forever_!" The left group argued, "They hunted together!"

"But Peeta's loved her since school!"

"But Gale loved her since then too!"

"Hey that rhymes!" Katniss exclaimed.

And then they noticed Katniss. "Katniss!" The left group screamed, "Who do you think you should marry?"

"I—" Katniss didn't have time to reply before Peeta swaggered in.

"Hey ya'll," He grinned, "I'm PEETA!"

"PEETA?" Katniss cried angrily. "I thought I ditched you!"

"PEETA!" The right group screeched gleefully, staring at him in awe.

"PEETA!" The left group screamed madly. The left group charged, looking murderous, brandishing rocks and sticks.

"Wait!" The right group exclaimed, running to protect Peeta.

"Aww look at that. You guys are so cute and—" He was cut off with a rock to the face. "Ow."

"HOW DARE YOU?!" Team Peeta looked even angrier than Team Gale. One girl started twitching and foaming at the mouth.

"Peeta. Is. My. Hero. You. Will. Not. Touch. Hiiiiiim!" And then she started fighting. She bashed every Team Gale member in the face with their own rock. Soon, she was standing in the middle of the fallen Team Gale members, still twitching.

Katniss backed up a few steps, a little frightened of the girl. But there was one Team Gale member still standing. She held a dagger in front of her. The wind blew back her dark brown hair.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEE!" was her battle cry as she charged the Team Peeta girl.

"PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA!" the Team Peeta girl screamed as she pulled out a loaf of bread.

As the two fought, lightning flashed and thunder crashed. It started to rain. At first it seemed like the Team Peeta girl was winning. She almost got a stab in with her loaf of bread. But then the Team Gale girl sliced off a piece of the Team Peeta girl's bread. With an angry scream, the Team Peeta girl attacked even harder than before. The two were streaks of white. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a dagger embedded itself in Peeta's forehead (Like a unicorn).

"Ow." Peeta looked confused before crumpling to the ground.

"Hahahahahaha! I have won! I have killed Pee—"

_THUMP_. The Team Peeta girl had hit the Team Gale girl in the head with her loaf of bread.

"Ha! Peeta is dead but I've beat yo—ooooooooowwwwwwww!" The Team Peeta girl screamed as the Team Gale girl hit her in the foot with a rock.

Katniss shrugged. "Well, Peeta's dead. That's all I care about."

As Katniss walked away, the Team Peeta girl hit the Team Gale girl with her bread again, and the Team Gale girl hit the Team Peeta girl in the face with a rock…

The next morning, Katniss looked out her window to see the two girls still fighting. She sighed in annoyance and shot them both with an arrow.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys! I just thought I'd stick in another one for laughs! Now that I'm settled into school, my friend and I may be able to update more regularly, if y'all are still interested. Thanks for hanging on!

"Hey there, Gale's mom," Katniss called, poking her head into the grubby little shack. "I brought some dead animals for you to eat!" She brandished the sack full of animals in the older woman's face.

"Thanks, Katniss," Hazelle complained.

"Wow, why are you complaining?" Katniss asked in annoyance. "I mean, you just said, "thank you, Katniss," but there was definitely a tone of complaint right there! I shot these things for you, man!"

"I always complain," Hazelle complained complainingly. "My life SUCKS, and in the book I'm all hunky-dory about it! I figured it was time to take charge of my life and SHARE HOW I REALLY FEEL!"

"YOU THINK _YOUR_ LIFE SUCKS?" Katniss shouted, outraged.

"YEAH!" Hazel screamed in complaint. "My husband died, I have to support the whole family by washing clothes, I'm only mentioned, like, TWICE in the book, and my son is having an IDENTITY CRISIS!"

She pointed complainingly at Gale, who was sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth and muttering, "Who am I? Not her cousin? Am I even REAL?"

"Wow!" Katniss said appreciatively. "Your life does suck."

"I know, right?" Hazelle complained. "I mean, it's really cool that SC likes to write strong female characters that can handle a lot of crap, but it's nice to be able to let loose a bit deep in the bowels of crappy fanfiction."

"You are so weird," Katniss commented, shaking her head. "Who the heck is 'SC'?"

"She is the master of our very lives!" Hazelle complained mysteriously.

"Whatever."  
Just then, Peeta stuck his head in the window. "Good morning, Gale's mom!" he called cheerfully. "I have bread for your starving family!"

"AHHHHHHHHH! I'M ALLERGIC TO BREAD!" Hazelle screeched/complained. She shoved Peeta out of the window, and he toppled back into one of her washtubs that she kept in the back yard.

"Ouch," Peeta complained as he drowned.

"That's it! I am SICK of all this complaining! I'm going to go climb a tree and brood about my life!" Katniss shouted. And with that, she spun from the house and ran off complainingly.


End file.
